It wasn’t long after the airport pickup that things started to go south for me and Princess. I noticed Princess was starting to post strange statuses on Facebook. Things like “Thanks everyone for your support during this difficult time” and “I appreciate all of you for being here for me”. It didn’t make much sense to me, and quite honestly kind of alarmed me, so I called her up one night. Princess didn’t give me any indication through her voice that anything was different and was quite composed when I spoke to her that night.
“I noticed you’ve been posting some things on Facebook about you going through a difficult time. Is everything okay?” I asked. “Oh yeah, it’s fine,” Princess replied. “It’s just something that I’ve been dealing with and have to deal with on my own. It’ll be fine. I’m just going through something right now. It’s nothing to do with you and I, so just don’t worry about it.” These aren’t Princess’s exact words, mind you, but close enough. “Are you sure?” I asked, figuring something just wasn’t adding up. “Yes,” Princess insisted.
I have to admit, after that phone call I felt a little better. “It’s probably just something with her family or friends,” I thought to myself. It couldn’t possibly be anything more than that. Princess’s parents are both mentally hanicapped, and there are lots of challenges that come with that on a daily basis, both for Princess and her folks. I figured it might have been something with them, or some drama with her friends. Her friends gave Princess trouble at times in the way of being catty and things of that nature, so it could be that too. If something was truly THAT wrong, Princess would tell me, right? Sure she would.
Or so I thought.
It wasn’t until I read yet another one of Princess’s long line of Facebook statuses during that week or so stretch of time. One Facebook status changed everything. It changed us forever. It went something like “I finally told my mom tonight and she’s supportive! Yay!” That’s when it clicked. That’s when I felt my heart drop. That’s when my brain felt unable to process any thought, emotion, speech, nor action. That’s when I could feel a great deal of life escape right out of me. If I still didn’t know exactly what was going on after I called Princess a couple nights earlier, I sure as hell knew what was going on now.
I remember the moment as if it just happened 5 minutes ago. I went out with a good buddy of mine that night for a drink or two, and when I got home I sent the text. There was no “hello.” There was no “what’s up?” There was no “How are you doin?” I just got right down to business. I had to. I had no other choice. There was no point in making small talk. I knew what my question was going to be, and I already knew the answer that was gunna follow. The text was only 3 words, but that’s all it needed to be.
Those 3 words were: “Are you pregnant?”
Princess texted back quickly. “Well I didn’t want you to find out this way and I’m not gunna lie to you…yes I am.”
For a couple seconds, I stared at my phone like I was staring at a dead baby. I froze. I knew what the answer was going to be, but that didn’t make the cold hard truth any easier to swallow. After a few seconds, maybe minutes, I called Princess. I can’t rememeber exactly how the conversation went, probably because of all the raw emotion and heartache that was involved, but I do remember a few choice words. I was raging. I was on a war path. I was devastated.
“So you’re pregnant?” I asked. “Yes, I’m pregnant,” Princess answered. “Well, we’re done,” I shot back. “I mean I figured that,” Princess said. “I just didn’t want to tell you right away because I’m not sure if I’m keeping it or not. I’m already [NOTE: I can't remember how many weeks along she was but I think it was about 6] weeks along so I’m thinking of keeping it, but I’m just not sure yet.”
Princess expressed her total shock in how something like this could ever have happened. “I mean I didn’t want this to happen, obviously, but I’m surprised it did because this isn’t my first rodeo [when it comes to unprotected sex].” Dear reader, your eyes aren’t fooling you. You read that quote correctly. Princess actually said that to me on the phone in regards to her newly discovered pregnancy. She had so much unprotected sex before and never got pregnant, so how in the hell could it happen now?!
Turns out it was a day or two after our trip to Cain’s when I picked her up at the airport that Princess had a doctor’s appointment and found out she was pregnant. It was never even thought of that I was the father because Princess and I never had intercourse. Sure, plenty of blowjobs, fingering, nipple sucking, and love biting, but no intercourse. I explained the reason behind that in a previous entry, so if you need a refresher, start from the beginning and catch up!
Princess had no idea who the father of the baby was at that point, but after a few days she had it narrowed down to around 5-6 guys from what I can recall. When Princess confirmed over the phone that she was pregnant to some strange man, I instantly proclaimed our “relationship” to be over. However, in the back of my mind, I wasn’t sure this was completely true. Turns out, it wasn’t. I was torn. I didn’t know what to do. I really cared for and possibly even loved Princess, but she was carrying some other man’s seed inside of her, and that was despicable and unacceptable to me. Too much for me to take. I wouldn’t have it.
We didn’t speak for a little while, and then we inevitably started hanging out again. That’s the way it always was with us. Go on the rocks, get back. Go on the rocks, get back. It just so happened that one of those times we were on the rocks (a period of about 4 months) Princess got knocked up to a stranger as a result of drunk sex. “We don’t really know each other,” Princess told me. Got the wine and candles out yet, folks?
During the period during her pregnancy where we were hanging out, I hashed and rehashed the same plea for her to get rid of the child. I wasn’t going to lose Princess, and I wasn’t going to accept someone else’s child. In fairness, Princess never asked me to help raise the child or help support the child in any way, shape, or form. She knew it wouldn’t happen, and she didn’t wanna lose me. We all know I’m turned on by a little extra meat on a woman, and Princess’s growing stomach was heaven sent for me.
I got my pregnant BJs (as I like to call them) and we did our intimate thing for awhile. No, still no intercourse, even though at this point I had nothing to worry about. It’s not like I could get her pregnant. I will tell you this, though. There’s not much like rubbing a pregnant woman’s stomach. I don’t know what it is about it, but it’s both a beautiful thing and a turn on for me in the greatest way possible. Hell, there’s a person inside there! One day, I hope to have a wife of my own who can help me out with this. Although, after reading this, all the eligible bachelorettes will almost definitely vanish into thin air.
Anyway, I digress. It got to the point where I couldn’t take it anymore. My pleas for Princess to get rid of the child didn’t seem to be working. She seemed intent on keeping this child. My pleas for her to have the child and place it up for adoption weren’t working either. She said she thought about it, but she couldn’t do that to a child that was brought into this world as a result of her own reckless actions. Admirable, yes. So I took things a step further. One of the last times Princess was at my house, I sat with her and broke down in tears. I was crying like a baby. Shit, her baby could probably hear me I was blubbering so loudly.
“It’s me or the kid,” I cried. “I can’t do it. I just can’t.”
Princess cried a little, but nowhere near the rate I was watering the hole. I think she already knew what she was doing, and had somewhat of a plan in mind, and she was just giving me the satisfaction of hearing me out. Princess was gunna have this baby and raise it as her own, and that was that.
“I’m having this baby,” Princess informed me. “I would want nothing more than for you to be the father of this child, but you’re not. We can still be together though. We can have our own family too. I can’t just get rid of this baby and I won’t.”
I can’t say I disagreed with her. She was standing up for what she thought was right, and looking back on it, she did the right thing. Things would have never worked between me and Princess, and if she had an abortion just because of me, and things didn’t work out anyway, she would have regretted it forever. Princess told me that even if she placed the child up for adoption, she would have regretted it. I wasn’t happy with Princess’s decision. In fact, I was furious.
As time went on, however, I knew it was for the best. I cried for days. I had sleepless nights. I wasn’t eating hardly anything. But Princess didn’t need me and all my emotions in the way of her and her child. I can’t say she picked her child over me because if it was up to her, she’d have both. She couldn’t have both, though. I made a decision to end things for good. She had a child to raise, and I was and still am in a very important period in my life where I decide where my ship is going to sail.
I cannot be in that kind of situation, and Princess cannot be dragged down by any outside influences because she has a newly arrived daughter that is totally, completely dependent upon Princess for her well-being. I don’t regret my time with Princess at all. We had many great times, probably more than we did bad. She made me laugh and smile like no other, but then again she embarrassed and frustrated me like no other. You take the good with the bad, just like you do with anything in life.
We shared a special bond and it lasted for some time. We truly cared for one another and it really showed through the did things we did for each other. Did we drive each other nuts? Sure. Did we have our ups and downs? Absolutely. But we always went back to each other, and I think that’s what counts. We have not and will not go back to each other now, but we each have memories that will never fade. We both will move on and find the greatest happiness that suits each of us. I deserve that. Princess deserves that. We all deserve that. We’re all entitled to “life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness,” are we not?
Throughout our time together, I think we both learned a lot about ourselves. Princess learned the gift of life and what it means to be a mother. What it means to dedicate 110% to something other than yourself. To look down at a precious human being that just arrived to this world, and say “that’s my baby” and smile ear to ear while saying it. I learned acceptance. Acceptance of people that have been through experiences I can’t even imagine. To realize not everyone is as fortunate as me, and to accept and understand those people just the same. I was raised to do this of course, but after being with Princess I have such a greater appreciation for it.
They call it “the little things”. My time with Princess taught me that it’s not all about me, and that I need to be a little more understanding of others and their circumstances. I felt both ends of the spectrum as far as my own emotions. I discovered sides of myself I didn’t even know I had. The ultimate highs and the ultimate lows. We both did a lot of growing up, and we didn’t even know we were doing it. As soon as you think everything is okay and quite possibly perfect, it all can change in a split second, never to be the same again.
It’s funny how life works.
As I was planning to write this final entry in the “I’m With You, Kinda Sorta” series, I reached out to Princess and invited her to write a one-entry response to the series as a whole. She declined.
Princess and her daughter are happy and healthy and enjoy every moment they spend together. I’m a so-called “hot mess” with a beer and a blog.